Can You Talk Your Way Out of a Rape or Simply Run Away?
By Brad Parker
As with ANY violent encounter, it is always preferable to talk your way out of it or run away from it. As Mark Twain said, "It’s always easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble."
A writer for Cosmopolitan Magazine contacted me to locate women who have successfully "talked" their way out of a rape.
I appealed to the members of Defend University and Women’s Self-Defense Institute. The OVERWHELMING response was that it is truly rare for a woman to deter a rapist by simply verbal means.
Here’s a sample response from "Marion":
"A friend was raped (behind the police station!) and she argued many many things [with the attacker] but none helped her. The rapist said he was so lonely 'he did not even have a plant' so the girl offered him to go to her room (anything to get away and try to contact someone) but he did not give in. He had grabbed her long hair and pulled her to the ground. He 'used' her for over 45 minutes and then a fireman saw them and took him off of her, brought him to the police station. And when I came in to pick up my friend, the officers (young and inexperienced) were joking about the rape –‘ 45 minutes! Wow!’ Things like that. That was horrible for her."
Marion commented that the rapist had enough cash on him to be able to afford a prostitute.
"Which proves the point that rape is not about wanting sex, it is about acting out rage by abusing someone, controlling someone, in the most heinous way possible," says Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, therapist and author of If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention.
Another member commented that his wife was once able to successfully verbally dissuade an attacker in a parking lot, but he opines that her 9mm pistol might have had more impact on the would-be rapist than her oratory skills.
I have reviewed cases and stories about the realities of rape and once the attacker can get you in a private place, it is rare that reasoning, pleading, crying, or begging will change his motivation. In fact, there is evidence that it might even increase the predator’s pleasure as he revels in your helplessness and his control.
Does this mean it can’t be done? Every circumstance will be different.
Apparently, the "acquaintance" or "date" rapist is more easily deterred by verbal de-escalation. Tell them, "NO! Do not do this, you are raping me! If you do this, you will ruin your life. You DON’T want to be convicted of rape. STOP, YOU ARE RAPING ME!"
You can also appeal to their fear of being caught – "I will tell your wife!" or "I will tell my husband!" could have a sobering effect on an acquaintance.
But, statements like this apparently have little effect on the rapist who is not directly connected to you and has no fear of you identifying him. Be aware that 75 percent of rapes are perpetrated on someone that the attacker knows, either directly or indirectly. But they might "know" you because they were working on the house next door or they might be a friend of a friend. So, the attacker has seen you, stalked you and knows who you are, but you might not really know who he is.
So should you tell him that you have AIDS? Herpes? What are you going to do when he responds, "Cool, me too!"? What if you tell him that you are pregnant or on your period? He’ll be more than happy to rape you orally instead.
Take the case relayed by a vice detective where a woman attempted to dissuade the attacker from raping her orally. She told him that she couldn’t perform fellatio because she was so scared that her mouth was too dry. The rapist’s reaction? He pried open her jaws, spit into her mouth and continued his penetration.
There is such a thing as the "Crazy Person" defense. I have seen it in action for myself when booking people into the main jail intake. Two officers brought in a very petite woman in handcuffs, so obviously, she was under arrest for some charge. Imagine this one small woman, brought into a holding area with about 50 men, all under arrest and some of the toughest criminals in town. Fifty pairs of eyes locked onto her. Besides being the only woman in this situation, she was wearing a fairly provocative purple velvet dress. So there was some natural interest by the male crowd. Then she started: she screamed; she ranted; she shook and babbled. She was practically incoherent, but she was very aggressive. And the reaction by the men? It was almost comical to see an entire room full of tough, streetwise men trying desperately to move away from this crazy woman. No one wanted to be anywhere near her.
Whether it was an act or not, I saw first hand how people will do almost anything to avoid an aggressive demented person.
However, you have to be a great actress to pull this off. I would suspect that it might be impossible to do if you have not practiced it.
Other advice that you commonly hear of that I think would be difficult to pull off -- pretending to faint; urinating, defecating or vomiting on command, or – the most often spouted on the TV talk show circuit – yell "fire".
I contend that your body is going to be totally in a flight or fight mode. Most naturally, your body tells you to flee. Not as natural, unless you are trained, your body tells you to fight. Because of the incredible strength of this instinct, it is totally counterintuitive and unnatural to pull any of the "tricks" mentioned above that are advocated by some self-defense instructors.
Most naturally, your body wants to flee, so running away is a completely natural and viable option here. The only problem I encounter on a regular basis is, invariably, the same people who claim their personal protection strategy is to run away are the very same people who never run. Quite frankly, many of these people are incredibly out of shape and they have not run for anything other than a cab or an elevator in some time.
But, running away could be one of your best initial options. Run toward other people. Run toward activity. Run to gain distance between you two. If nothing else, running away makes it more difficult for him in general. And you have an advantage here, studies by the LAPD show that the majority of suspects elude pursuing officers IF the chase lasts more than 200 yards. In other words, the chances of your escape dramatically increase if you can elude him for the length of two football fields.
Okay, reality check here. How many of you can ACTUALLY run 200 yards. Not jog 200 yards, SPRINT 200 yards. I know some of you out there run several miles a day or a week. However, it’s the speed of your dash to life that is important, not the length.
Sorry, there’s another rub. Now that you can actually sprint 200 yards, can you do it in a manner that you could realistically expect to outpace your young male attacker?
If you can’t outrun your attacker, what then?
You MUST have a plan for resistance. Federal victimization studies show that women who resist are not injured any more than those who don’t. Don’t listen to people who tell you not to fight back, that you just invite more violence from the attacker.
In fact, it is just the opposite. Studies by the Model Mugging people of more than 3,000 assaults show that half of all attackers will leave if the woman indicates she is willing to resist. Think about that. One half of all the guys will break off the attack if you even ACT like you are going to cause problems.
Of course, you have to be prepared for the other half who continue their attack.
That’s why our Rape Escape classes are designed around a strategy that allows a woman to avoid penetration, protect her head from his hits AND be in a position that allows her to effectively fight back against a man.
The principles we follow are:
Be aware of people around you.
Stay with people, go to people.
Keep a barrier between you and the bad guy.
Attract attention.
Control his hips and his hands.
Use your strongest weapons against his weakest targets
These principles have personally "saved" a number of our students who have informed me that they are certain they dissuaded potential attackers before a situation deteriorated into a full-blown attack.
Verbalization does have a major role in the Rape Escape curriculum. However, our verbalization is designed as part of a strategy to protect our personal space, it is not designed as a rape prevention technique per se.
The top priority is to control our space. We need to learn how to keep our distance because social distance is too close for self-defense. A predator has to be able to get close enough to you to grab you, to control you.
As females you already know how to spot creepy guys, the key here is to make sure that he knows you see him and are aware of him.
Put him on notice by looking at him. You don’t have to stare him down, but don’t look away or act like you don’t see him.
But if he persists in approaching you have to do one of two things, issue either a soft challenge or a hard challenge.
You might go through your entire life without having to defend yourself from a serious attack. Yet you probably have to defend your space and your dignity several times a week, if not several times per day.
The soft challenge is for the guy who stands too close to you.
You can say, "excuse me" and step back away from the guy. Most nice guys will be extremely apologetic. Even most jerks will stop, having been put on notice.
If he is touching you or making you nervous you say, "excuse me, you’re too close."
Be prepared for them to try and emotionally blackmail you with comments like "jeez, what a bitch!" Don’t fall for it. They shouldn’t have been making you feel nervous in the first place.
The hard challenge is for the person who is ignoring your soft challenge.
You’ve told them to they are too close, but they don’t get it.
Step back another step, put your hands up and command, "Stop, get away from me!"
Don’t ask him a question like, "can I help you?" or "what’s your problem?" You don’t really want an answer, you just want to keep your distance.
You need to practice the command repeatedly, loudly and with authority -- "STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
Your hands are up and you are stepping back…you have marked your boundary and it is unmistakable to any witnesses what is going on.
Practice the command often enough that it becomes a natural response. That way you don’t have to think about what to say or try to formulate a response when you are under the incredible tension and stress that a physical encounter provokes.
As mentioned earlier, you can expect half of your attackers to break off at this point. However, a determined attacker will either continue to move toward you, grab your wrist or try and slap or punch you in the face. His most likely response is to grab one of your wrists and try to punch or slap you with his other hand.
No talking or running will save you now. You must fight back in a way that allows you to hurt him, without you getting hurt in the process – your life depends on it!
